I sometimes ask questions to pediatricians online and they will reply
my queries. Just last week, I sent them a query and here is Dr.
Puneet's reply.
My question:
This is Sudha from Chennai, India. My daughter is 4 years old and studies Lower KG.
I
want to check with you about her behavior. She is very normal, social,
good name at school and all. But then she does not listen to our words
and immediately she used to get angry for everything.
She
cannot listen a NO from us. If she wants a toy, want to dress herself,
brush herself, bath herself, eat chocolates etc, she will never listen
to us. When it is not a school time, I can allow her to do everything on
her own. But on a routine, I cannot allow to do it. And finally it ends
up in her crying and ugly situation at home.
Same
way, she used to get angry on anybody who are in the situation. At
times she beats me, when friends n relatives are around and I feel bad
about it. And also wprried about what they will think about my child.
But
most of times, after that angry goes off, she used to come to me and
say sorry and do/behave/perform in which way I wanted her to do.
But then I want her to learn to control her emotions / anger.
Please guide me for a better parenting. Hoping for a nice reply.
Thanks in advance.
Sudha
Doctor's reply:
It
is "normal" to a great extent. No human likes "No". It's just that we
adults have better control over emotions and are able to "suppress" our
displeasure to "no"..and children are immature (It is "normal" for them
to be immature, no?...Children are not "small adults". And maturity
comes with time/ age). Please understand the whole scenario in this
context. Don't expect magical results even with best parenting.
Why
do children learn to say "no" earlier than saying "Yes"? Because they
always hear "No". So, first step in dealing these situations is minimize
use of the word "no". I am not saying that nothing should be
refused...but try to rephrase what you say in a different way. If the
child wishes to go to the park and it is not possible for you to go just
now....Please don't say "no" straightaway. Tell her that we would go to
the park after she does this or does that....Or offer her something
more interesting instead...tell her rather we can play something at home
or eat something great today and would go to the park some other day.
Being a nice mother, you can think of scores of such examples. Just
minimize the use of "no".
Second,
try to remain calm (even indifferent) at the heat of the moment. See,
if you react/ loose temper when she does something wrong, she would do
the same if he THINKS that wrong has been done to her(for example, if
she wishes to dress herself, and you refuse...she THINKS that you have
done something wrong and thus getting angry is the right thing to do in
such situation). By remaining calm, you give a silent message that
difficult or adverse situations can be handled calmly...It will be more
likely then that she would do the same.
Third,
never enter into argument and never try to reason/ justify yourself
when she has lost temper already. She WON'T listen/ understand and the
situation wold definitely spiral into the "ugly situation" that you are
familiar with. Try to make her understand LATER when she would be more
receptive.
The
best punishment for kids (for example when she has hit you) is "time
out". Don't talk to them for a few minutes (for 4 minutes for a 4 year
old,; 5 minutes for 5 year old and so on). It is more likely to give
desirable result than shouting/ hitting the child in response. She would
almost definitely realize her mistake this way and would feel sorry and
most importantly the message is more likely to be better RETAINED
(hence less likely to recur) this way.
It
is basic human nature that we respond better to appreciation and
encouragement than corrective diktats. That’s true for kids also. Thus,
rather than simply reacting to your kids misbehavior, appreciate his
good behaviour and see the difference. Your baby prizes your approval
above all else. Kiss her when she is behaving well. Never forget to say,
“Very Good!!” when she has done something good. This will build her
confidence and encourage her to keep up the acts of good behaviour.
If
she wants to dress herself, brush herself, bath herself, she is
expressing her individuality. It is ok and should rather be encouraged
as far as possible. I know time is short in morning rush hours..try to
put her to bed a little early and wake her up early so that she has more
time. Rather than discouraging her, tell her that you are happy that
she is a "big girl" now and can dress/ brush herself but she should then
wake up early if she wants to do it. If the time is still short, do
tell her to do something herself and you will "help" her to do the
rest..Reinforce that "helping others" is a good habit as "her teacher at
school has taught". You can also tell her that you would help her to do
all this so that sometime is left when she can listen to a small story
from you or something like that.
Last
but not the least, always remember words of Robert Fulgham, "Don't
worry that your child does not listen to you.. Worry that he is watching
you!!" Children are far more likely to do what they see YOU doing
rather than what YOU say. So if family members raise their voice often
(not only with kids but to others also: for example if kids see elders
shouting on workers/ staff/ maid/ relatives, etc, don't expect then to
remain calm when they are angry...
Please feel free to ask for any further clarification.
Dr. Puneet Kumar,
Kumar Child Clinic, Dwarka,
New Delhi, India
www.KumarChildClinic.com
+91-9818356846
